Bad weekend.

Generally, I'm not one to get very angry.  But in the past 24 hours I'm sure I've never realized the ugly truth about people in such a short amount of time.  Life is so much more complicated than we realize sometimes.  Sometimes people just turn into complete idiots and right now I'm definitely at a loss in trying to figure them out so-- I just may not try too.

"Friends"
It blows my mind how over night friends can turn into complete idiots!  I'm finally realizing that some people that I thought were great friends are the exact opposite.  I've been pushing away all the wrong people and now I'm stuck-- at least until college.  High school is just full of dumb bitches that need to keep they're mouths shut.  Friends should be happy for each other.  Friends should be there for each other.  But then our friend jealousy comes into play and she's a real bitch!  Basically I'm tired of giving so much and not receiving any "friendship" in return.  Another thing that tears girls apart are they're big mouths.  I've been holding my tongue but obvisouly I can only do that so long.  So congrats dumb high school girls-- you've just released the BITCH.

Happiness
Apparently too many people can only find happiness from bringing others down.  It's a very elementary thing to do, so let's try growing up shall we?  There's this song called "Garden Party" it says, "you can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself."  I'm tired of trying to please everyone, it doesn't work and it's obviously not worth it.  I have myself to keep happy and that's hard enough sometimes.  That is definitely one of my weaknesses and it really must stop.  In the past 24 hours I've realized people aren't worth pleasing because they are impossible!

It's crazy how life is sometimes.  I feel like my whole life is like a book with a lot of chapters.  Some of the chapters are really long and feel like they are never going to end and some really short.  Some days it feels like a lot of things and people just decided to change over night.  Like for some crazy reason things just happen.  This summer was definitely a whole new chapter.  People have shocked me with their stupid and bad choices, people have upset me, people have surprised me, people have left and people have came and brightened my whole world.  I believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes those  things are hard to accept-- but we have to either way.

You just can't trust anyone but yourself.  People can be brutal.  People can be completely wrong but won't believe a word you say.  Some people just have to be right.  Some people have to always win and be the best.  Some believe they are awesome, but really they are full of shit.  That's the ugly truth and it's never going to change.  We all just have to accept that.  Not everyone in life is pretty, just look around me and there's all the truth that you need.

growing up too fast..

Senior year will start in sadly about 20 days or so.. and I just can't believe it!?  I've been looking at all my old stuff from elementary school and it just blows my mind.  Feels like yesterday I was still at Wayne Center riding bus number 40 (I think at least).  Feels like everyone is getting older too though, like all the kids I babysit for-- it's unbelievable! I wish I was there age again, everything was so easy!

So with the coming of this year that I'm sure will go extremely fast..

1. I'm hoping to finally figure out what to do with the rest of my life. (Which right now I'm thinking about nursing but that will probably change like it always does).

2. Since I don't want to stick around here for college, I want to spend lots of time with people from church and the kids I babysit for! I sure hope they don't completely forget me! So that way I won't be that crazy old person ten years from now that says, "Wow, I remember when you were this big!" 

3. Make some great memories! Which I'm sure that won't be hard, God always seems to put great and amazing things into my life. <3  

4. Not take things so seriously, take it easy. Not stress out..

Oh memories... to be this young again, I'd definitely do it all over again.

Dream.

Sitting on the porch swing listening to music made me ponder on a few things... like dreams we have.  Lots of us like to dream big and have big dreams of doing great and wonderful things and being with the person of our dreams... Then some people actually don't really dream big or have high hopes because they don't want to get let down.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately of which is the best to do-- dream big or dream unrealistic things.  Though no one but God knows the future or our fate, it's interesting to think about.  Yet I think I've decided that dreaming big is best just like, "go big or go home" right?  What does anyone else think? I'd like so input :)

Hallelujah

“Hallelujah” - Jeff Buckley

There is so much hurt in this world, but there is also times of happiness.  Sometimes we feel on top of the world then the next moment it’s all crashing down.  Sadly lately I have seen a lot of hurt and sorrow.  Like the four young boys who lost their lives from Angola this past weekend.  Driving home tonight I listened to the radio and a radio station was raising money for their family’s to pay for funeral expenses and I heard so many stories that touched me.  There are many parents who have lost children and the things that keep them going just really made me realize that you can’t take any minute of our lives for granted.  Sometimes we think bad things happen to us, and to some things have, but-- some of us let such little things bother us.  Silly little things that people need to just let go.  If we don’t just blow off the little things we aren’t really living life.  There’s a song called “This Moment for Life” I think and it says that, “Not everybody lives but everybody dies.”  That is so so true!  I know many people who throw their lives away, they could be so successful and go so far in life-- but their afraid to.  They don’t think they are good enough or they are depressed.  They either have never found God or have lost their faith which is so sad.  Over the years that had happened to me.  I thought I knew God, but honesty I was clueless.  I have gone to church nearly every Sunday of my life so it would seem crazy that I won’t know Him.  Growing up catholic I always questioned my faith but never really cared enough to do anything about it.  Slowly but surely I’m learning more now and I wish others would turn to him more too.  After the death of the boys from Angola everyone hurting will have to find the faith that they are in a better place where someday we will be to with them but our time must not be up yet.  I know a lot of people who are afraid of death but I certainly am no longer afraid.  I know that someday I will be with my Savior in Heaven.  Another thought I forgot to add about the Angola boys that died, one of the father’s talked on the radio and he said that, “there may be a lot of bad people in this world, but there sure are a lot of good people in the world especially one someone is in need.”  That right there means a lot.  Sometimes we can’t find any good in people but then sometimes we realize they were there the whole time we just weren’t looking in the right places.

Things this week alone that made me realize God is working in my life...

I told someone I’d give them a second chance.

I got advice from someone I never thought would care.

I decided to stop wasting my time on “him”.

I’m learning slowly but surely....

I was told thank you and told that even how harsh I was I wasn’t being a bitch I was going what was right for them. hmmm.

I made a new friend when God knew that’s exactly what I was looking for.

I was the bigger person-- sense I’m always told to be of course :)

I was given a late birthday card that really touched me and no one has ever said anything so great to me.  (and sense I know she reads this thanks Grandma I love you!)

Eyes

"But one thing I'm missing is in your eyes." - Eyes by Rogue Wave 

There are so many people that once meant something in my life but then something happened-- someone gets mad, someone gets jealous, fights, disagreements, arguments, typical dumb situations that could of been avoided.  I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, but I don't think that losing a friendship over these dumb things is what life is all about.  A few months ago I tried to patch up old relationships that went wrong and shortly after that those same dumb situations happened again-- the same people decided to get mad or jealous about the past for a second time... so I decided to give up.  Not sure it was the best solution to the problem but I just saw myself failing again and again.  I hate living in a small town and having to avoid people that  I don't see eye to eye with.  There's a lot of people that I just miss...I'm not sure why after all the horrible things that happened but for some reason I want a second chance.  There is one person recently that I had a falling out with lately that we actually worked things out-- maybe because we were both actually trying.  It's like the whole fight never even happened and it's so nice that it was just totally dropped and both were able to see eye to eye.  Why I can't do that with everyone else..I guess God only knows.  Which comes to my next goal trying to figure out if "difficult" people are worth trying to deal with for a second chance.  Sometimes I wonder if I rather just avoid people and forget it or actually try since that is being the bigger person...  Another person recently I haven't talked to in years randomly decided to act like I exist again, which later I come to find out all the person wanted just a "good time" and totally dropped all conversion with him.  Which I think in that case was the right thing to do, no sense in talking to someone who just wants you one night and then drop you again like a bad habit...again!


It seems to me that the people you see that you turn your head to so you don't make eye contact is just bad news... Your not going to get anywhere if you don't look at someone-- but maybe that's the point.  It just seems crazy when someone can't even look at you!  I remember back to this fall... at a gas station a person that a had an ugly, ugly break-up was there.  Our eyes met for only seconds, and then the classic look away fast happened of course.  It's just situations like that, that I'd really like to beat myself up for but we all do it and it's not like I was going to crack the prick a smile.. but I guess if it happens again I'm going to try that and see what happens.  Maybe a smile would do some good for once.


A lot of truth in saying the one thing I miss is in your eyes, because I can't even look in your eyes.  The one thing I guess we should never give up on is making this a happier place.  Making peace with everyone and the world, and next time you see me-- I certainly will have the biggest smile on my face, maybe not for you but for me.

Garden State Soundtrack

Going through my cousin's CDs I came across this Garden State soundtrack CD and totally fell in love with it-- never heard of the movie but the songs really somehow relate to everyday life.  Seems like every bad day I have that CD has some song to help me through or even to just think about life.  Like for instance to live again you have to just let go.  So many people say things like "never let go" or "you never let go"... well in some cases yeah maybe, like the married people they should never let their love go but as a seventeen year old girl I have lots of things I'm learning I need to just let go.  Another thing I hate is when people say to live without regrets because hell I regret sooo much and I've learned that it's made me a better person, and to regretting it I'll never let myself do it again.  Then thinking about what I could of been... topic that we tend to think about but we generally don't like too.  Like I could of been a lot less lost if I would of held onto my religion more and not let the world today encourage me to do awful things that I'm sure my grandpa would turn over in his grave if he knew.  Yet mistakes only make us better people right?  I'm also sure all of us have been waiting and searching for a lover or soul mate whenever you want to call it.  I love the song "Fair" by Remy Zero.  It starts out by saying, "Hey are you lonely?" a lot of people seem to be screaming it inside and just want someone so bad.  We have all been there-- jealous of all the people who have someone in there arms and someone to share their life with.  I have gone through all my teens years just wanting any guy who wanted me or wanted... yeah.  Finally learning that I don't need that right now in my life and I am going to do whatever it takes to break myself from this evil path.  Learning to be confident, learning to love me, myself, and I, becoming the real Elaine.  I will follow whatever journey I must to make it through life without just being another lost soul.  My goal is to every week find inspiration for life and living and being happy and posting these inspirations on living life again and being happy as can be.

<3